Today I was hoping to hear good news. News that I had made the first cut for a beauty school hosted by two people I look up to for more than just makeup. I didn't make it.
In fact, I haven't made much since graduating from college. I'm overqualified for retail and other minimum wage jobs, but under qualified for jobs in the field I studied. I search and search but end up not making the cut, again. Today, when I didn't make the cut, Ellie Goulding's song "Don't Panic" was playing in the background of my kitchen. Then it hit me like a truck.
Bite down on your lip, take another sip (don't panic)
Start checking your phone, looking for the answers (don't panic)
Mind running obsessed, feeling paralyzed (don't panic)
Ellie's words were my story today! I kept nervously drinking my tea because I just wanted to know if I had made it into the beauty school. I, along with my two best friends were at Chick Fil A checking our phones frantically looking for the answer. "Did Megan make the cut?" My mind has been obsessed with getting answers today. More answers than just did I make the cut. Then I found out and I felt like I couldn't move. I felt paralyzed. I just stood there in my kitchen, waiting, thinking there had been some sort of mistake. But there wasn't. The final person was announced and I didn't make it. I wasn't even mad, more than I was just waiting for someone, anyone to tell me what to do next.
That was the answer. Don't panic.
Yeah we change, yeah we change, yeah we feel so lost
And we don't know who we are
Yeah we break, yeah we break and we just can't stop.
I don't know if there's ever been a time in my life when I've ever felt so lost. Not knowing what to do. I don't feel like the same person I was when I went into college. If I had to pick now, knowing what I do now, I wouldn't have gone to school. I would have tried to travel around as much as I could. School didn't really teach me much about anything except Oxford commas aren't AP Style, but I use them anyways, and group projects are literal death. I also go the biggest bill of my life out if it. I've changed, I don't know who I am, and sometimes I still break down. That's part of being 23.
When love's not playing out like the movies
It doesn't mean it's falling apart
Life isn't a movie. I get that fully. But sometimes I wish it was. Then this feeling of everything falling apart would mean in about 15 minutes the end is going to come and I find out there's been a big mistake and I was actually supposed to make it into beauty school. But that's not going to happen. But since life isn't a movie, it's okay to fall apart every once in a while, but don't panic.
I got big dreams baby, I got big dreams baby
So don't you, don't you, over-complicate it
I do have big dreams. Some of them involve doing weird stuff like being the grand marshal for a Disney parade. Other dreams are to move to Wales, and still others involve just my best friend and I going to London for a week. There's no need to over complicate dreams. Sometimes I tend to make things harder than they actually are, especially when it comes to dreams. You just have to go for it, even if it scares you.